They say that I have changed!

My little sister came over one day a week or so ago to visit Abigail. James mentions to me that he and my sister talked about me a little. So I asked him what they had talked about and he said that it was how I had changed. That is true I have changed. My life changed on April 8, 2008 when I found out that I was pregnant. It was hard for me to understand what was happening to me as I had come to believe that we couldn’t have children. I felt this way because 5 years prior we had tried to conceive with no success and had decided to leave it up to God to determine when we were ready for a child. So we didn’t prevent anything for over 5 years and I just felt that well we are getting pregnant so we can’t have kids and decided that I didn’t want kids. I think in the back of my mind this was my way to cope with the idea that we weren’t getting pregnant. James was always worried that my decision to not have children might come back to haunt me when I was 40. And with my big girl attitude I told him no that was not the case. But I think that deep down I was worried. But again had to be the big girl. I was putting on a show and had to stay in character. I have never but these thoughts in writing before and it just seems weird that this was how I was feeling. When we went in for our first Dr.’s appt. my OB seemed concerned about my lack of excitement and I had told her that I had come to the conclusion that we weren’t having children and in a matter of minutes my life and change. One minute I was heading 1 direction and the next minute it was heading the opposite direction. It takes awhile to adjust to something like that. We would go to the Dr.’s appts and we would hear the baby’s heartbeat and at that time I thought that would really bring it to like but it didn’t. Than we got to go in and have the ultra sound to see how far along I was and I thought that would get me excited. It didn’t happen until Abigail was 19 weeks old in my tummy and we found out that she was a little girl with a name that I got excited. It was so important for me to go into the ultra sound with a boy’s name and a girl’s name. Because at the moment we found out what it was that precious little child was to have a name. If we were to have a little boy his name would have been James Cohen Paulson and our little girls name was to be Abigail Danielle Paulson. It was more important for us to have a happy, healthy baby but was so excited when we were told that it was a little girl. See boys rule the family so everyone was giving us little girl vibes and so our little girl became Abigail Danielle Paulson. Now that I am a mom, Abigail’s mommy it is the most wonderful thing in the world. Something that I wouldn’t change for the world. It’s one of these moments where now that I am a mom I wish that I would have done it a long time ago. For me, it has been that amazing. That life changing and that wonderful. Knowing that Abigail loves me unconditionally and relies on me to make her safe is an indescribable feeling. Something that I can’t wait to do again. Before Abigail was born I wasn’t sure if we were going to have another baby, the further that I got into my pregnancy I decided that I didn’t want Abigail to be an only child and James and I agreed that we would have another one but I wanted them to be at least 4 years apart. That’s what my sisters and I are and to me it works out great but after Abigail was born I couldn’t wait to start trying again. James and I have agreed that we will start trying again when Abigail is a year old so that they can be at least two years apart.